At a Loss

I love my job, my co-workers, and my patients. I work in radiation oncology and hematology/oncology clinic. But like any job, there are days I don't want to do it. Some days are so much harder for me than others. I'm surrounded by wonderful people struggling to beat cancer. Living to make it to their child's graduation or wedding, the birth of their first grand baby, or through the holidays. I get to experience the joys of winning the battle, the clear PET scans, and the renewed hope. I also experience the sorrow and sadness when the news isn't so good, when hospice care begins, and when death certificates are received.

The weekend before I started N.E.O. (new employment orientation), my wonderful Aunt Janet was diagnosed with GBM (glioblastoma melanoma) an aggressive form of brain cancer. My Aunt Janet is one of the most wonderful, fun, loving, opinionated, and outgoing woman you could every meet. I got the pleasure of working with her in a doctors office for a year while I was in college. Everyone in the office still calls her Aunt Janet.... some things just stick. :) It was a great bonding time for us. She is my step-dad's, older brother's wife. My mom, sister, and I joined the family in 2002 when my mom and Mark were married.


Aunt Janet has helped me through so much. She's one of the people in my life that called me out on certain relationships and told me she loved me too much to watch me hurt and be treated poorly. One of the biggest moments of joy on my wedding day was Aunt Janet coming in and hugging and kissing my cheek. Her being there was a huge deal for both she and I. I loved knowing that not only were my siblings and parents there supporting me, everyone one especially Aunt Janet was on my side.


Now almost a year later, she's gone through a lot of ups and downs and that's putting it lightly. November of 2009 she underwent another surgery after which she was told to celebrate, the mass they removed showed no cancer cells (HOPE!). Then she had her follow up MRI, which showed a spreading in an inoperable area and she was referred to a Neuro-oncologist in Seattle (FEAR & SADNESS). He said that the spread might not be cancerous, since the previous pathology report was clean (HOPE!). It's continued on like this for the past few months. Good, then bad, bad then good. Every time I hear something negative regarding her progress, I have a hard time working. I have a hard time keeping a smile on my face and I begin to put walls around my heart. I have a hard time focusing.

Today is one of those days that I'm completely at a loss... During the last month she has been slowly deteriorating. This morning I learned that Aunt Janet is having unbearable headaches, back pain, and many other issues. She is going to see her specialist in Seattle today and I pray he can get her pain under control. I hate knowing that she's suffering like this.

Tomorrow is her 60th birthday and there is a big birthday party scheduled for her this Friday. Please pray she will be feeling well enough to attend her own birthday party. Any prayers you want to send our way would be much appreciated.